2017: That’s So…Just the Other Day

I try to do one of these at least once a year and this is the perfect time to reflect. I also miss writing. Something different, though, from years past, is instead of focusing on my experiences and accomplishments, I’d like to use this platform to celebrate those who have been such an inspiration, those who have left a mark.

My best friends. Thank you for accepting me for who I am, baggage and all. I am far from perfect and this year was full of moments when I had to accept mistakes. Your patience in listening to my frustrations and your level-headedness in providing advice and emotional support really meant and means a lot. Various kinds of support came in forms of real talk/tough love/calling me out on faults, cups of coffee, 2 a.m. texts, 5 a.m. messages, prayers, car rides, quotes from the other side of the globe, pacifying my hysteria, accompanying me to classes and a gym, zombie paraphernalia, breakfast, lunch, dinner, ice cream, bingsoo, bubble tea, and the list goes on for other consummables…which is kind of embarrassing at this point. Thank you for not being sick of me. Thank you for another year of letting me share my insanity with you. Your strength, wisdom, kindness, and love abound beyond what I deserve and you are definitely blessings in my life…and likely to countless others.

To my guy friends. It brings me so much joy (and worry, sometimes, but mostly a sense of appreciation) to witness your journeys and your growth. Careers taking off. Relationships maturing. Compassion expanding. As many women come forward with stories of sexual harassment and assault, and as single women continue to lament the seemingly short supply of “good men out there”, you are the ones who remind me that men who disrespect and even violate women are never and should never be the norm. Good and Godly men do exist and I don’t believe they’re a dying breed. You are capable of strong, focused leadership, as much as you are capable of kindness, punny dad jokes, and all other squishy, endearing traits.

My mentors to whom I have THE UTMOST respect. You probably won’t get to read this but this is still important for me to put out there. Thank you for your valuable wisdom and guidance. The struggle was real this year as I grappled with countless changes, accepted multiple mistakes as inevitable and just a part of the steep learning curve, and adjusted to the fact that I don’t know all that much about a lot of things. It was hard to accept the fact that I made mistakes. It was hard not to be in control. Whatever my failings, you allowed me the space to commit them and to learn from them. Thank you for the various ways you encourage me to step out of my comfort zones, embolden me to speak up, and just building an overall sense of trust and inclusivity. People always say learning never stops. Whenever I hear that, I envision the daunting task of further schooling. And further expenses. But there are various means of education and you’ve shown me that this is not a daunting chore. It has become a lifestyle – to be able to fuel a healthy, self-motivated curiosity.

Praise team. The band. Cherubim Choir. You get special shout-outs. We have been through…more ups and downs than I can recall. I have my Mary moments as well as my Martha moments, and while my Martha moments bring me exasperation sometimes at feeling burnt out or having problems with time management or just general things (eg. printer, photocopier, computer, etc.) not working as they should, at the end of the day, being able to serve together makes it worth it and being able to serve God specifically, makes it even sweeter. Admittedly, I have this constant, dull ache in my heart when I think back to the individuals I have served with in the past as life has taken us to very different directions. I miss that bunch…but I also see new faces today, beside me, who I have come to know well and have become good comrades with in mutual service, each with their own brand of passion and approach in addressing our common faith. You guys are awesome.

God and family are a given constant this past year and so I’ll keep it short – They have been amazing, and they know the many reasons why. I am grateful beyond words.

This is not to say 2017 was all great. It definitely came with its fair share of griefs, heartbreaks, and soul-sucking moments…but it was an interesting ride. Many firsts. Many people I would never have gotten to meet, talk to, become really great friends with, had God not put me on this path. Oh, and another shocker – for the first time ever, music is no longer my only passion, and that is apparently okay. God leads us to different journeys at various points and seasons in our lives and I’m learning that mine is leaning towards a more concrete form of social justice. I still love singing and I’m probably never quitting the praise team or choir, but that’s not my only “thing” anymore.

So despite all the bummers and the tears, despite the migraines and the disappointments, I am thankful for His guidance on this slightly turbulent section of the seas. Things are fascinating. No storms, just persistent waves. I’d take a dry and constantly bobbing boat over raging, boat-flipping typhoons any day.

Hello 2018.

WCC Keynote #2: Wisdom for the Wild

Disclaimer: While this is catered more towards worship leading, a lot of points are still relatable and you get a snapshot of what goes on behind preparations for worship.

Mark Counihan began his keynote session Saturday morning with an anecdote about his dad. His dad, despite his age, has been actively exploring and hiking the world. When people hear of his travels, they want to know which mountain he was planning to conquer next…as if mountains can be conquered. All you do is climb on top of it and stick a flag on top. You don’t swallow the mountain or blow it to bits. It’s not a pet that can be “tamed” or “trained”. How is it conquered? It can’t be. Similarly, we are not conquests. We have our own wills. We are all different, and purposely created so. God did not create robots, mindlessly following Him, all with the same hair, same build, and same face.

We were also made to worship. From a quiet, deep contemplation to a loud, unrestrained shout, how we worship God may also manifest differently from person to person because we are all different. However our worship takes form, we look to the Scriptures because it is truth. God’s Word is true. So we delve into Proverbs to reflect on the wisdom God’s Word provides us, things to be mindful of when we aim to freely worship and please Him, and as we also lead others in worshipping Him. We have 4 main pitfalls to consider:

1. I. I. I. I. I. The I problem.

“Do not exalt yourself in the king’s presence, and do not claim a place among his great men…” (Proverbs 25:6).

There was once an event being held out in the open. The main attraction was a fireworks display at the end of the event. However, it is to be noted that this region often has storms and lightning occurrences. While the people were admiring the huge, colorful, and elaborate fireworks in the sky, a storm started brewing. Pretty soon, the lightning in the sky was proving to be a show in itself as the people admired the lights and the huge, intricate patterns it made. The awesome fireworks paled in comparison to the natural, ethereal beauty of those lightning strikes.

Similarly, we are so often caught up in putting on a show when leading worship that it becomes a matter of how I put on the production just right – my own efforts with the lights, songs, instrumentation, staging chosen. We become so focused on entertaining/being entertained. “This worship service needs to be less boring for ME. I’m gonna make this happen.” Or even if we have the sincerest of intentions, such as feeding ourselves spiritually…”The songs should be catered to ME, who God is to ME, what God is doing in MY life.” I. I. I. We become so focused on fireworks and the artificial that we forget the wonders of natural lightning. In our self-focus, what room does God have in our lives? Did we leave any space for God to work in? Do we really even want God to work in, through, and amidst us?

Can you envision how awkward it is, not to mention how embarrassing and impolite it is (to say the least), if you were facing a king (or in this case The King) being so pleased with yourself and boasting of your efforts and accomplishments, when in truth, it amounts to nothing really significant? Mark recalled a time when he wrote a song, just as a hobby, something to pass the time. The recording was also simple, just his vocals and his guitar. Pretty soon, he noticed that it was climbing the iTunes charts and eventually reached #1 in the African region. His ego was steadily inflating. An internal struggle commenced. “My song is doing pretty good. If this is what happens when I make songs for fun, imagine what I can achieve if I put more effort and resources into it! Should I share this with my Twitter followers? Yeah, I think I will!” He took a screenshot of his song being on top of the African iTunes charts. Well, guess what? The moment he posted it on Twitter, his song was bumped into second place by Jad Gillies’/Hillsong’s newest tune…to which Jad heavily chuckled to in the audience. Humbling moment, ain’t it?

I would liken it to lollipop (big head) moments like this: “See God, I made the perfect set list! Did you see that lady crying the entire worship time? No need to thank me for opening her up to be more receptive to the Holy Spirit. I’m just that awesome and skilled! I bet I’m better than Darlene Zschech! Right?” Whatever the scenario, it doesn’t end well.

“Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the Lord, and humility comes before honor” (Proverbs 15:33).

It’s only this year that I’ve started being intentional in asking God for wisdom whenever I pray. You’d think it’s enough to do devotions and read His Word, and yes, you draw wisdom from that, but reading something and internalizing it is very different from actual application. The bridge from stock knowledge into everyday practice is that attitude of fearing the Lord. We have to answer to Him, whether it’s leading worship or just in our normal everyday walk. And so this also helps with humility. In answering to Him, we acknowledge the hierarchy of God being above us.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I’ve been open about my previous struggle to be humble. Another example of this would be that I was so defensive in my early days leading worship, whenever someone would come to me with a critique of the worship time. It was my baby. Eventually, after a workshop with Ben Fielding of Hillsong and hearing him speak of partnership and stewardship, it just opened up this whole new perspective for me, which I hold to this day. It’s helped me to welcome feedback and value it, rather than dread it. I’ve learned that critique isn’t to be taken personally, because the focus is God and ministering to others. Feedback is beneficial to improve and be effective in my role in guiding people to that safe space of worship. Stewardship of my talents involves placing myself in as high a standard as, say, a pastor, especially with song choices and accurate theology. I could never do that without humility, and let me tell you – more than honor, I’ve been blessed with so much peace and joy in this ministry because of it.

2.  Integrity

“The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but people are tested by their praise” (Proverbs 27:21).

My mom always makes fun of me and about how she doesn’t trust my taste in food. Everything seems to be delicious to me. What can I say? I’m a simple girl who appreciates the little things. What’s my point? My praise for a certain restaurant or food reflects who I am. My taste buds are easily pleased. Similarly, a lot can be deduced from how a person praises or worships. I’m not just talking about the outward appearance, but the inner conditions as well. Is your heart right there, present in the now? What are the themes that you gravitate towards? How is God moving you at this particular moment/season of your life? Do you sing/play your musical instrument with abandon or with much reservation? You know for yourself, and God knows as well, how genuine you are being. Psalm 78 has a nice little ditty about integrity of heart. So what can we do to uphold integrity?

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).

Your heart holds your desires and motives. Everything you do is an outpouring of this. There shouldn’t be a gap between what you sing/play and how you live. You can’t compartmentalize worship to Sundays only. You are you, no matter what day of the week it is. This next passage is also closely related to humility. Be humble enough not to exalt yourself, but also be genuine enough to receive praise because it reflects the wonders and glory of how God is working in you. After all, your talents are from Him.

“Let someone else praise you, and not your own mouth; an outsider, and not your own lips” (Proverbs 27:2).

“The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern” (Proverbs 29:7).

What’s a better gauge of integrity than love in action. Where is love in apathy? I believe it’s in Ephesians 4 where we are called to live a life worthy of the calling we have received. This further reminds me of James 1:27, where we see that what is regarded as pure and faultless religion is looking after widows and orphans in distress. Compassion, my friends, extends beyond the music.

3. Isolation

Some people might not understand this, but this is all too familiar to me. Mark mentioned the isolation we intentionally choose. We choose to fly solo. It’s easier than you think. Somehow, it’s easier to talk to a crowd on Sunday, imparting God’s words, than one on one after service where you actually have to have an exchange/conversation with people that go beyond just theology. I gravitate towards isolation and credit it to shyness. Sometimes, we just find it difficult to enter community. Sometimes, it’s just more comfortable to stick to our little pockets of acquaintances, our few friends, or even to just duck out right after service. This should not continue.

Jad Gillies also made a very good point (on a separate panel later that day) in saying, “We don’t need more Christian rock stars, but sometimes, we just need leaders. People sometimes just don’t know how to get from the place of being bound and broken to a place of surrender and faith and worship and response.” We have a specific purpose. It helps to invest in something local: a local/home church and the community it holds. Christy Nockels, Chris Tomlin, Paul Baloche, Hillsong, and all these other Christian artists, at the end of their touring and their travelling, all have a home church they return to to minister and serve in. You have to be present in your congregation…each part is the Church. The next generation is going to have to come from here. And besides, how will you lead when you’re so far removed from the realities of the congregation? Which brings us to…

“Those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasies have no sense” (Proverbs 12:11).

“Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice…As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:9, 17).

We have all these ideas and perceptions of how things are when, in reality, things are very different. We struggle to take advice. We were raised in a society that values autonomy, independence. We are problem-solvers. We can do this on our own! Right? Wrong! One person sharpens another and true friends build each other up, even if it means dishing out tough love. This is why feedback is so important and why I’m so thankful my eyes were opened to its value. Feedback in this context of worship and leading is essential to be effective and to continue learning and growing in faith, knowledge, and style/creativity.

On the flip side, Jad also mentioned that opinion is valuable, yes, but if you’re swayed just by opinion, you miss the mark. You’re there to worship God, not to just follow a few people’s preferences. If you try to please everyone, you become reactive/reactionary instead of imparting influence/effect. So just always remember that you’re serving God. That focus should provide you with a balance between constructive feedback and clear vision/direction.

4. Ignorance

We’re no longer talking about ignorance of the needs and journeys of the congregation. We’re talking about the technical stuff. Do we ever stop to think, “What are we singing/playing?”

“The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps” (Proverbs 14:15).

We have to sift and weigh every single word in each song that we sing/play. In the few workshops I’ve been to that talk about the technical and spiritual aspects of how you string lyrics and melodies together, this tension is a constant struggle in songwriting. Correct theology is a priority, sometimes at the cost of a brilliant melodic resolution or dropping a word that flows well in speech and image portrayal. Flow and alliterations and rhyme schemes should always be secondary because in writing worship songs, you’re not just writing songs. These are songs with the primary purpose of praise and worship. I say “should”, but this isn’t always the case. There are, unfortunately, countless stories about famous Christian musicians and worship leaders and pastors with theology so off the mark, but still leading their congregations in those ideologies. They don’t just believe in something false, but they’re also causing people to stumble. It’s a scary thought to be lifting heretical offerings to God.

So when you hear a moving, melodic swell, or a killer guitar rift, or an extremely danceable, driving beat, or a really awesome wordplay, pause and assess. Read God’s Word regularly, know your stuff. I try my hardest at this when putting together set lists. First question is always, “Is this theologically sound?” Second is, then, “Does the song tie well with the message” or “Can the congregation respond to, with, and through this song”, and then, further, “Do the songs flow well in terms of thought and key transitions”, and so on. For those who don’t understand why I take so long in announcing sets, this is why. Now you know. Haha.

Let’s go back to our roots – Why are we singing/playing/worshipping? Well, the simple answer is because we were made to worship and glorify God. When God inhabits the praises of the people, as when His Spirit moves in our minds and our hearts, something happens. It changes our expectancy for Sundays. We don’t expect mediocre, and we certainly shouldn’t. We aim to always encounter God in that space of total surrender, whatever condition we’re in, however this manifests itself. We need to understand the bigger picture, focus on God’s mission and not on just our respective roles. God is not limited by our capabilities. He uses us even in impossible circumstances and He certainly gives us all the tools we need to do His work.

Reflecting on Proverbs is all well and good, but Mark points us to a growing concern he had as he was going through the book – its background. It was written by the wisest man ever, Solomon, but he messed things up too. Even the greatest wisdom wasn’t able to keep him on the straight and narrow. It’s a good reminder that we can have all the wisdom in the world, all the tips from all the experts on how to worship and how to lead worship, all the resources to improve our gifts, but we still need that one thing – a genuine growing relationship with God. We need that intimacy in our lives to keep on the path, and Solomon needed it too. Luke 10:1-24 shows us an interesting perspective if we were to liken ourselves to the 72 that Jesus sent out ahead of Him. The harvest is plenty. What are we doing with it?

“Peace to this house.” Peace be with you.

WCC Keynote #1: Live and Lead like You are Loved

Even weeks after, I’m still trying to digest everything that happened and everything that was shared and exchanged over the two days of the worship conference. It was such an amazing experience to be a part of.

Christy Nockels began her keynote session Friday night by sharing that the older she gets, the more she notices God giving her new affections, as if God was dropping more and more of His heart into hers. Fresh from an emotional worship time, my tiredness from the vexing workday and journey from the weeks past seemed to have been washed away with the tears that came unexpectedly. These were tears of guilt for the times I didn’t treat God as the priority; tears from being overwhelmed at the realization of His grace and how He can love someone like me; tears of surrender. So much has changed, and it was finally time for my heart to catch up to where my head was at. I was sitting by myself in pews full of people with their worship teams, but my previous sadness at being on my own was replaced with God’s peace, purpose, and a fresh look at the situation. That, and relief that no one I knew saw me bawling. Lol. I understood what she meant.

I understood what she meant because the older I got, the more I understood life and people and found vision in ministries and passions. What was inconsequential and boring before, holds so much meaning now. The obvious example would be that when I was younger, what mattered most to me was worshipping God, being able to sing to Him. What “mattered” quickly became using MY gift for God, service in the ministry. As years passed, the focus became a desire to assist in leading people into a place of worship and honing my craft. Then, it was getting people to use their gifts as well. From the role of being led to leading, it became apparent even more that it was and is important to foster my relationship with God and getting to know Him more and what He wants, rather than my own aspirations for people. I’ve learned to have more faith in God working, than my own perception of control. I plan, but it’s okay if it’s not followed to the T. Now, I’m motivated to ensure others grow, and hopefully as a result, they’d also get from the being led stage to the leading stage. I did not feel so deeply about this before, but God seems to be, as she said, planting new affections.

Getting older is awesome. You notice things or are able to have a more holistic view of things, and you’re able to respond in a way you wouldn’t have before, because your hang-ups then are no longer an issue now. She had one such epiphany, sitting at her farm table one day. She had just given up touring because she was just tired all the time and the tour bus is no place to raise children. Add to that the fact that one night, she found peace in cleaning the toilet after her toddler decided to aim poorly. Her children were starting to grow up and God had been repeatedly telling her to go home. So there she was, at her farm table, asking God if this was crazy. What He showed her was that there is a promise and a purpose and a way, and it’s not necessarily how we envision or expect things to play out. All she desired was for the Kingdom to come to earth through her life. Colossians 3:12 came to her…

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

There is a created order. Facts or reasons are established first, then the command. Our gospel identity is that we are God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved through our adoption by faith. In knowing our identity, then, we clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, etc. These traits are what people-we-encounter-everyday will see. People who don’t have an idea of who God is will see a glimpse of Him, His Kingdom, through us, if we are grounded in Him, in truth. In knowing our identity, we know the Kingdom is our inheritance. The Kingdom is a renewing of all things, and we all anticipate that day. But for now, we are works in progress; broken, broken people. God refines us at every moment, in our imperfections.

Through the years, the image of concentric circles kept popping up: the vision of a target/bull’s-eye. God was constantly reassuring her to focus on the center. “Just hit the bull’s-eye, and I’ll take care of the outer circles. It is not for you to promote yourself and to keep yourself on the map…but it’s for My glory.” And so she opened her Bible to the middle, one of her favorite verses – Psalm 37:5-6.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.

Just the bull’s-eye in the middle. That’s all you need to take care of. You have one job. Lol. What does she mean? There are three things to consider. Think of each point as a ring that makes up the bull’s-eye, starting from the center.

One: Who you are. You are beloved. BEloved. He is “The Great I Am”. He Who Is, Who Be’s. We are “The Great I Am”-loved. We are God-loved. This should permeate how we come to Him every day, through remembrance of Who He is and what He’s done. Admittedly, there are days when I’m just drained. You know those days when Murphy’s Law explodes in your face or you just had a horrible bout of insomnia the previous night or you’re deathly ill or someone somewhere “needs” you. After chronic sub-optimal days like these, it’s hard to feel loved and to be grateful for that love, when all you want to do is cry, complain, eat, sleep, or even just sit in silence doing absolutely nothing. But days like these change. For every 100 horrible days, there’s bound to be 1 day that’s so-so at the very least. Our ever-changing circumstances don’t change the constant truth of our identity and that we are God-loved. When we get laid-off, we are beloved. When we get paid for a passion project, we are still beloved.

I’m thankful that Christy pointed out that His love and His covenant is not equal, but greater than our commitment to Him. We fail. We are imperfect. We sometimes ride the waves that toss us about. We doubt. We waver. Our efforts at “commitment” don’t really measure up to much. But His love and His covenant…can we grasp the concept of never EVER failing? Perfect. Sure. Steadfast. That is the God who loves us. He is our rest and our place to hide. I draw comfort from the fact that even in my failings, I can confide in that God; that I see I’m not going to get there (the goal/the ideal) today, but He has already gotten there for me. “Lord, I aim to be as humble as You today, but I realize I’m still hanging on to a bit of pride. Thank You for doing the ultimate humbling act on the cross, which gives me hope that I can let go of my pride and do better tomorrow.”

Two: The how. When you know who you are and Who loves you/Who you can count on, obedience becomes a response of being beloved rather than a means of approval. I don’t stay up ’til 2am waiting for someone to come home because I need them to like me. I’d rather sleep (and be a professional burrito haha). However, I do stay up because they’re family. I love them and they love me. It’s as simple as that. No strings attached. We don’t obey and follow God’s laws and do all these random acts of kindness because we need God to love us. We are already loved…and so we do this because we know He is pleased to see this and we genuinely just want to bring Him more joy.

As we obey and we grow, our refinement becomes our language of discipleship. Our experiences become the tools by which we pour into people, with the help of the Holy Spirit. Oh…take Philippians 2 for example. We know this, but it’s just such a struggle sometimes to be humble. Verses 3 to 5 get me every time as I examine myself and find that I’ve failed in that aspect so many times, but can now see progress as I veer away from pride. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus…”

As mentioned in the previous post, there’s been a burden in my heart this past year or so, and was amplified on a trip to Portland, to help develop the next generation and raise Timothys. It brought me so much joy to just sit back one weeknight during worship practice and observe the younger folks leading worship. This was something new since, as mentioned, I used to be so enthusiastic about being able to lead worship. It was about me using my gifts. Now, with God’s constant pruning, I realize the importance of humility and remember the focus of worship is God. Seeing these kids…so much potential, so much we can do! It was an aha moment of mind-blowing proportions seeing where God is leading, realizing that I’m doing this with God as a teammate, and the comfort in knowing that I’m in good hands. There’s a peace to knowing you’re fulfilling His will, your purpose. As Christy said, “He raised you up to raise others up.” And so I continue to pour myself into other people because, well, I surprisingly (or not surprisingly) find joy in God’s joy.

Three: The what. Our response ability changes as we grow and mature in Christ. You’ll see it. You won’t be able to help it. You’ll feel the NEED to take others with you in responding to God. “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Eph. 2:10)” There’s plenty of work to be done. Along the way, there will be plenty of people that we’ll meet. If we’re coming from a secure place, knowing who we are with God at the center, it will pour out into how we live our lives and relate to others, and it will further spill over into what we actually do as a manifestation of everything God is. When you’re running around on outer rings, it just leaves you exhausted, tired. When you’re stuck on the outer rings, it just leaves you frustrated. Believe me, I know. I was caught up in the outer rings for the longest time. When you’re too focused on the how, or even the what, you miss the point. God is at the center of it all and really, you only have to focus on the center. The rest is God’s. He’ll take care of the details.

Christy’s work with the women of her home church produced valuable relationships and spiritual support that have already spanned decades. Her work with her producer husband on the rug of their humble home contributed to the Passion band and the Passion conferences that have made an impact on so many generations of youth through the years. She got to meet and work with musicians with a similar call and vision such as Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and Kristian Stanfill. They’ve created a community of encouragement and purpose, so much so, that years after Christy decided to stop touring and focus on her family, that bond had never changed. The Dove Awards is a sort of platform of recognition created by the Gospel Music Association. There was a spot during the awards that showcased a song that made a huge impact that year. Chris Tomlin was there. Michael W. Smith was there. The heavyweights of Christian music. While droves of talent managers were vying for a place for their talent to be involved in that number, the producers called Christy up. They remember her work. Christy, who has been out of the spotlight for years, happily content in being a good wife and mom, suddenly asked to participate in such a huge platform. She got to be amongst friends doing what she loved, without unnecessarily exhausting herself. She doesn’t have to bother with the outer rings, and neither should we. God takes care of the details.

Raising Timothys: Lessons from Portland

For the most part, life has its challenges, but that’s nothing new. You get used to it. I, however, did not realize I was in a slump until I actually took time off work and went away. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually tired. Even if it was just for a weekend, Portland did wonders. The sights were wonderful – so much color and life…a whole new world…a dazzling place I never knew. If I did not get you to sing in your head the following lyrics to that song, I’ve failed. LOL. In all seriousness, it was a different world, and it was exactly what was needed for epiphanies and revelations. Sometimes, you get so immersed in the messiness of life that you need to take a step back to re-evaluate. I realized a few things.

One, living on a beach alone, no matter how beautiful the sunset or the ruins or the rocks and the caves or the waves, must be the loneliest feeling in the world. So much to appreciate, with no one to appreciate it with. Super blessed to have friends along for the ride.

Two, your friends losing you on a mountain might not be the best idea, especially if you’re not supposed to be hiking in the first place. But as I sat there, I could see the wide expanse of sky and tree tops and other mountain peaks. There’s just so much potential, so much hope.

Three, life goes on no matter how big or small the town is, and you find the most interesting innovations in the unlikeliest places.

Four, secrets never remain secrets and that I’m capable of swallowing my ego.

Five, and perhaps the most important of all, during times of Sabbath and rest, it’s wonderful to still be able to worship with fellow brothers and sisters. You’re reminded, as you visit other churches, that you’re all just part of one Church, one body across time and space…united, not only across geographic location but also across time, those who have come before us and those who will come after.

And that is where the point of this post is. There were those who came before, and there will be those who come after. We went to a church in Portland and the message that day was about Paul’s second missionary journey. Westside is a church focused on missions and it was apparent at how they have been moving in their communities and how their sister churches are being planted. The message that day was fitting, as they looked at their current state. The message focused on three main points.

First, God often brings new people for a new season. The speaker shared his experiences in starting a sister church, on how he’s never done anything remotely as huge as that, and how the other elders, separately, were moved to suggest the same – that he start the church. Along the way, God provided the right people at the right time. We may be going through something completely different but the same still applies. God often brings new people for a new season. God is ALWAYS faithful. There’s no use looking back because: (a) we can’t go back to the past and (b) God is doing a new thing, so with His lead, press on. If God is doing something totally different, there’s no use holding onto how you used to do things.

Second, God often speaks a new word that requires new levels of trust and obedience. God pushes the work forward, not the workers. He leads, we follow. This made me think, “Yeah, this is so true! If you insist on continuing to do things with how you were accustomed to doing them, then you’ll be following your own lead and boxed into your own limited vision, versus if you continue to follow God with every climb, descent, turn and maneuver, then it’s really Him you’re trusting and following, Him with the eternal view of where things really stand.” Pastor Zayas continued on to say that sometimes, the future is foggy. It’s okay to be wrong or confused, as long as you’re open to hear and listen to God’s voice. Ask yourself: Am I open to a word from God for my life? And if you are, don’t be surprised when God speaks to you. Realize that, maybe, just maybe, part of the frustrations you’re experiencing is due to the fact that you’re not listening.

Third, God often surprises us with unexpected favor. Paul was given two surprises – Luke joins the team and Lydia becomes a Christian. He was given Luke, a doctor who could patch him up when things got rough. He was given Lydia, an influential person/possible patron for their trek. God provided what was needed, and often in ways we do not expect.

Two more things to remember – what you do matters to God and what you “have” matters to God too. Nothing you do is too small that it’s insignificant, if given your all. Know that in Jesus, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You don’t have to be in “full-time ministry” because your “secular” job is your ministry/mission field. What you have is not really yours but what you’re “in-charge/steward” over matters in the sense of how you manage it. Do you practice sacrificial giving? Do you give what’s expected or more? Don’t lead a mediocre life with a lack of commitment. If you’re going to do something, jump in, head, torso, limbs and all.

I’ve been reflecting on my current state a lot because I’ve also been spending a bit of time trying to think of how to raise Timothys. It’s been a burden on my heart for quite some time. I am thankful and blessed for those who have come before us who have started the work of instilling passion for God in us. However, truth be told, life happens and we don’t always get to keep our mentors (due to significant others, babies, health, or whatnot). As we collectively strive to remedy that need (yay for God and church leaders), we now approach a season where we recognize it is our turn to continue the life cycle and mentor others. It motivates me so much more to immerse myself further in God’s word to prepare myself for this new journey. God will bring new people for this new season. I need to strengthen my trust in Him and commitment to Him, so that my natural response would simply be obedience. Jump in and just be pleasantly surprised in His sustenance everyday. Acknowledge the fact that I will mess up for sure, but by His grace and wisdom, it will all work out. It is to His credit and glory that my broken self be used to help others grow.

Funny how God works. As of the writing of this post to the time when it is actually published (now), there’s been a progression of how God has moved. I don’t know if it’s because I’m fresh from a super awesome worship conference weekend, but…so much feels! More to come…

 

Joy

When you’re honestly, immeasurably happy for someone.

When you remember that God is unchanging, and God is good, and God is great…overwhelmingly so…straight up in your face.

When it feels like your chest is going to explode from an excessive outpouring of all these…feelings.

When a years-long prayer has finally been answered.

When you’re so grateful that you just can’t stop crying. Who cares if you’re at work with people staring at you. Or alone at home sitting on the floor in front of the fridge cracking open a bottle of bubbly. It’s time to celebrate!

When the proverbial shoe, after years of uncertainty, with a now-decisive certainty and clarity, does. not. drop.

When you finally start living and breathing after holding your breath for 3 years.

When all you want to do is worship God and say thank You every single day.

When you catch a glimpse of what He’s been doing in your life all this time…and totally love it.

Unspeakable, immeasurable joy.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23).

26

And here I am. The dreaded day had arrived. Saturday marked the culmination of a year’s worth of days spent aging. I shouldn’t have felt particularly sad about Saturday, because we all age every day, every second. So what makes pie day any different? It started last year. When my 25th hit, it hit me hard. Call it a quarter life crisis. I started to question everything – the choices I’ve made in life, the opportunities I let slip, the mistakes that have turned into regrets, the things I valued above others, the happy times that were all too fleeting. What have I done with my life and where am I going? I know I shouldn’t compare, but some people seem so self-assured and I was just…stuck. I’m happy, genuinely happy for them, but it didn’t bring me any closer to answers. Who were the people I lost along the way? Which bridges did I burn, willingly or unconsciously? Can I do anything about it? Do I want to do anything about it? Should I even? Who are the people in my life right now? Are they worth keeping? The funny thing is, as you age, you realize that there’s no lightbulb moment. You don’t suddenly wake up one day with everything figured out. You work on discovering it and actualizing it. You also basically feel the same. You feel like you’re still you, even when you’re really not. I still feel the same as I was six years ago, but I know I’d kick 20-year-old me in the butt with the way I thought about things. So in an attempt to be less stuck, I started to do things differently. Let some things go, try new things, explore, push, and re-establish boundaries, step out of my comfort zones once in a while. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to refer to Elsa in my head. Let it go…let go, let God.

Friday night, on the eve of my 26th, as two candles were lit, I thought about what I’d wish for. It quickly turned into a short prayer I shot up to my Father. I thanked Him, that despite having a mini meltdown last week about turning another year older, He’s repeatedly been gracious in showing me that though there are bad days, it’s not a bad life. It’s a good one even. I choose to see His faithfulness and goodness and love, among the chaos of this world, among the changing times, and remind myself that He has a purpose for me. I am reminded of how epic life can be in obedience to Him and that it really makes a whole world of a difference to have my hope in Him. This past year, as I learned more about Him and really strove to kill my old self and just followed as much as I could, I felt like such a child, learning the ropes again.

Humbly, I’d also hoped He’d give in to my requests, but fully recognizing that I have no hand in His final decision. My first request was that I’d never lose my band of brothers and sisters in Christ. These people have been my second family and they’ve taught me so much by their actions, words, and even just their presence. I’m thankful for each of you…

The brother who may be naive, but reminded me that maybe dreams and aspirations need to be acted upon and not just shelved away just because it didn’t seem practical at the time. If God is leading you, why not?

The sister who has always been the sensible one, who I know I can be vulnerable with, ugly cry face and all, who then gives gentle reminders of God’s wisdom above our situations.

The lady who exudes joy, overflowing love, and proper stewardship, who has wisdom beyond her years. I should learn a thing or two from you!

The man who challenges me to constant obedience and a love that knows no bounds in a world I’m growing desensitized to. You make me see the world differently, step out of my shell, and step into who I am in Christ.

The woman who has been such a great example of what a Godly woman looks like. I have a prayer buddy in you, always grounded in God’s word. Also, coffee buddy. And food buddy.

There are countless others and if I mention you all, I won’t ever be done with this post so just know, you’ve made an impact in my life. I’m far from perfect, and I know how dark I can get, but God continues to work in me and these friends have been extremely instrumental in helping me in my journey. Second request is close to the first – that He’d be with you to your last days.

So there’s my heart. Thank you for being in my life and making these years colorful. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for frustrating me. Thank you for the excess and the deprivation. Thank you for the laughs and the heartache. Thank you because in the ups and downs, we grow and we learn. Expecting more changes and adventures this year. Cheers!

Sunday’s Take-Away: Instances of Prayer

When I was still young in faith, I used to raise my eyebrows at the mention of prayer warriors. It just didn’t sound right. “Prayer” and “warrior” are two words that are seemingly irreconcilable in definition. In my head, the first images that come to mind when you say the word “prayer” is a child kneeling at bedside before going to sleep. Or a monk, priest, or nun in a monastery or convent. Or an adult regretting their actions, kneeling in a chapel or at some remote location in the wilderness. It is an act that assumes a position of humility or surrender. The word “warrior”, on the other hand, makes me think of samurais and knights and Pocahontas and ninjas and, well, you get my point. Strong, dignified, upright, never bowing down, unrelenting, unyielding. However, through the years, I’ve learned that prayer is an important discipline, a practice that is called for even for the strongest of wills and the toughest of tough cookies. A prayerful person is essential in facing the challenges and wars that inevitably come in life. But when do we pray, exactly? Is it when we are strong to say we still depend on God, even when all seems well, or is it when we’re at our weakest and our need for Him is ever more apparent? Is it when we need something or is it when we’re thankful that we have all we need? Is it when we’re desperate for Him, yearning to focus on Him alone amid distractions of mind and heart, or is it when we are already so attuned to His will and only ask for its continuance? Is it just for us on a personal level, or for others as well, in their stead? This is by no means an exhaustive list but it’s a good list of situations or moments or instances when we can pray, based on 2 Chronicles 6:18-42. This particular sermon was from a few months back but it’s still applicable whenever, wherever.

So…first up, hurt. Ask ourselves, have I wronged the other? We are in a broken world. The world today holds a lot of hurt and suffering. Some start small, others are more major, but a hurt’s a hurt, and we’ve all experienced it at some point in our lives, sometimes even on a regular basis. When hurt, our tendency is to focus on the pain and ourselves, but we need to be more open-minded to possibilities and ask ourselves, “Have I wronged the other?” We all vary in sensitivities, but a wrongful act is a sin not only against the person, but also against God. So pray and ask God to mediate. Since only He is righteous and just, then He can judge. Ask for Him to judge between you two and do to each of you as He sees fit.

Defeat. We’ve all experienced defeat, failures, and disappointments in life, when we’re just so broken and shattered. It’s not quite the same as hurt, but it is related. How do we respond to repeated defeats in life? Hurt and suffering is intertwined with sin, whether our personal sin or generational sin/sin of others. Most say sin is an act of transgression, a blatant act, something concrete that you witness. However, sin is not just an act. 1 John 3:4 defines sin as lawlessness, disobedience of the law. The last of the ten commandments in Exodus 20 states that we are not to covet. Covetousness is not an act. It is a thought, which may or may not translate into a feeling, which may or may not translate into an act. Disobedience in whatever aspect, or a thought out of line, is already a sin and we fail and are defeated in this respect everyday. We are affected by sin everyday, again, either by our own doing or other people’s actions. In the same way, healing and forgiveness are intertwined. The road to healing starts with forgiving and letting go, an acknowledgment of things being beyond your control, things being as they are. So we pray for that acceptance, for forgiving hearts, for repentant hearts. God redeems us everyday and every moment by Christ’s one act on the cross all those years ago. You may be hurt. You may be disappointed and feel like you’re destroyed and at your lowest. But beyond yourself, the sin was against God. Let God take the reins and ask for His healing hand. Practically speaking, holding grudges and vendettas and plotting ways of revenge are just too hard in the long run, not to mention exhausting.

Hunger is a perfect scenario for prayer as well. It is in hunger that we see the fragility of the human body and psyche, and the dependence on God that is necessary to survive and thrive. As bad as it sounds, if we’re being honest, suffering drives us to repentance. If we’re being rewarded in sin, why would we be motivated to repent? Not that we’re going around being masochists. We don’t go around trying to hurt ourselves. The concept of sin in the early days is tied into famine/poverty. Poverty does something to the mind. It messes with your perception of your worth and capabilities. He will take care of us, sure, but we’re not only to pray for the immediate material solution to the problem. That’s not the point. God is not a vending machine. We don’t just pray for food for the hungry. We don’t just pray for money for the poor. These are also spiritual diseases, to which we should pray for repentance from sin. We are to pray for a heart that returns to Him, no matter the conditions we’re facing. The conditions (hunger, poverty, whathaveyou), are not the focus here. The focus is on your heart. Pray for His guidance, for Him to lead us.

When disease or disaster plague us, when forces beyond our control threaten to wear us down and tear us apart, or if they already are, pray. It is when we’re aware of our affliction that we should all the more pray. Just as poverty warps our minds, how we perceive affliction (and our anticipation of what is to come and our assumptions of what will transpire) changes us entirely. So in the face of disaster, choose to see the good and the great, choose to see the beauty, choose to see the blessings that are still inevitably present. Choose to look beyond yourself. It’s the worry and the expectations that bog us down. Life is so much more than disease or disaster. In the face of both, rediscover humility. Gone are the facades. Approach God, asking for forgiveness and praying for a God-centered view of your life, not a me-centered or self-centered one, a life of obedience starting from our hearts.

*A cappella* “Carry on my wayward son. There’ll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don’t you cry no more.” *Cue in crazy guitar rifts* It might seem weird that I’m quoting a classic rock song but Kansas’ “Carry On Wayward Son” is a fitting description of the journey of searching and wandering (plus I love the musical buildup and progression…and the hope at the end is completely warranted). There’s a lot of shuffling around in recent years, and people moving and wandering far from home are becoming a trend. I admire those who have been able to stick it out in the same place because it takes a lot of commitment to stay, especially if your environment or certain conditions are not ideal. But I also admire those who have been secure, but stepped out of their comfort zones to venture into the unknown, whether by choice or necessity or both. Speaking from personal experience, migrating shakes your world. I was ready for the change, but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel lonely the first few months, and it certainly didn’t mean that I was able to adjust right away. When you are uprooted and everything you’ve ever known is far far away, you don’t have much to lean on.

Each person’s experience is different, but for me, it was a number of things. One of my closest friends had passed away. The place just didn’t feel right anymore. It made me question a lot of things about life and how I was living mine. I was starting down a horrible path of parties, drinking, going to places I should not be at odd hours, shutting people out, neglecting studies, dropping certain boundaries…I knew for a while the possibility of moving was imminent, and I needed a change. Now, several years after first moving here, I can see clearly how God was leading me here, using each circumstance to painstakingly mold me into who I am today. Just the year or two after moving here, gone was the girl who was terrified of getting lost taking transit. You can leave me anywhere now. LOL. Gone was the girl who carried a chip on her shoulder because, news flash, the past is past. It’s not always about me, even if I really was dealt with an “unfair” set of cards. People change sooo much. Just this past year alone, I’ve never had to grow so much. We go through so many things in life, wandering here and there, and when it’s just you facing life in a “foreign land”, God is your only real anchor. Wandering is a feeling of constant unsettling and resettling. In that state of solitude and searching is when you need an anchor that is constant, wherever you may be. Know God’s Name and pray.

I will never forget what Louie Giglio said about God and our lives when I attended a Passion concert for the very first time. It was back in late 2010, and in the middle of Chris Tomlin’s perfectly soft strums, Louie painted this wonderful analogy of how we are all part of one great movie, to which God is the director. He is the head honcho. He calls the shots. Just to be assigned a part in this grand film, no matter how small or big a part, is already honor enough. I come back to this thought whenever I feel like writing my own script to my life. It’s easy to forget that my life is not my own, but is God’s and is designed for a whole different purpose than what I may envision for myself. The same goes for when He commands us to go somewhere or to do something. We are living in times of war and we are in the midst of a spiritual fight. The enemy is Satan, not against flesh and blood, but Christ is already victorious. God has given us the tools necessary to succeed in His mission for us. He’s given us an armor, and if we are obedient, following His will, He will surely provide. Pray for continued obedience and unwavering faith in filling shoes we might feel are too big sometimes. If God says the big shoes are for you, then maybe you should open your mind to God possibly directing a comedy. Get it? Big shoes? Clowns? Never mind.

You know those old English shows where the main character experiences a tragedy and goes, “Woe is me”? I imagine that’s what the Israelites must have been thinking, except instead of vain self-pity, this was legit despair. Imagine being captured by ruthless opposing empires. The prayer in 2 Chronicles 6 talks of the very real possibility of captivity and how God, though loving, is just. When people sin, they were allowed to be held captive and taken by the enemies. Realistically speaking, then and now, no one doesn’t sin. I realize that’s a double negative but that’s the emphasis. Everyone sins. So when we sin, repent. Pray. Do we have things that hold us captive? We all have persistent sins and habits…addictions and obsessions. What’s more, at times, I’ve already repented, but I find myself back at the same sin. It’s so easy for us to fall into the same pattern of addictive behaviors. Some have issues with lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh, and pride of the heart – among other temptations. Anger is also an addictive behavior. When you’re frustrated or irritated and your default emotional option is anger? There’s some underlying control and power issues there. Ouch for you if you can relate, but I’m as much at fault as you are on this. If you live in my city, you’d understand why it’s “natural” to develop road rage. Sometimes, you’ll wonder how certain people get their driver’s licenses. That’s a control issue for me. When I snap at people, my tiredness should not be an excuse. It’s usually a power issue for me, especially if I snapped at certain family members, just because, honestly, sometimes, it’s the only way to get their attention and for them to actually listen and take me seriously. Sins like these are like an itch you just have to scratch or it’ll drive you bonkers. So I try to think of it in a different way.

Ephesians 4 tells us to put off our old selves, together with our deceitful desires, and be made new in our thought patterns, in the attitude of our minds. It all starts with the mind, and then when we are disciplined in our thoughts, our desires change, and then our actions change. (More on the discipline of the mind in future entries!) Personally, I don’t think of it as just another thing I’m prohibited to do. How I look at it is I have a personal relationship with God and I’d rather go bonkers not scratching the itch than disappoint Him. More than the punishment that comes with the sin, it’s the disappointment that crushes me…and the feeling that I’ve failed. Again. But that’s the beauty of God’s love for us. He sent His son to die for ALL of our sins. It is by grace that we are saved, through faith, and not by our own actions. We can’t, with all our might, on our own, make up for every sin we’ve done in life. That’s just impossible. I’m far from perfect, but with God, definitely a work in progress. You don’t have to get yourself straight before God hears your prayers. It’s such a beautiful thing, that we have the capacity to change and to grow. So I strive and I pray to be more like Him each day, to help me break free from my captivity, asking for His forgiveness, even though He’s already given it. I am free.

Interestingly, after Solomon’s prayer in 2 Chronicles 6, we get an answer from the Lord right away. May you be encouraged to pray more as you read His response to Solomon from 2 Chronicles 7:13-16.

“When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. I have chosen and consecrated this temple so that my Name may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will always be there.”

Sunday’s Take-Away: More than Turkeys

While most are recovering from their excessive, annual dose of tryptophan, MSG, or just plain old food coma, 75% of my family worked yesterday. Myself included. On a holiday. Yes, it seems sad, but it’s not, not really. One, we’ve never really been fans of pumpkin, and turkey is just…meh. Two, we all still see each other on a regular basis. Three, there’s a lot to be thankful for everyday, not just on Thanksgiving. While I respect that some of you might have it as a family tradition to make Thanksgiving like my Christmas, a big production of gatherings and food, that’s not quite the focus of the holiday. Food is well and good, but we are not only thankful for yummies in our tummies or family. Some may not even have food or family, but are thankful for other things and people. Thanksgiving, as it turns out, is not a day or an event. It’s a heart condition.

Before you think “cardiac arrest” or “heart attack”, I’m going to tell you, no. Just, no. I didn’t mean you develop a heart condition ’cause of all the food you ingest. It’s more like saying Thanksgiving or a thankful attitude and disposition is a state of mind. However, rather than just simply the mind, it is also a matter of the heart. I’ll be the first to admit that I worry a lot. Worry and anxiety are horrible, persistent, nagging feelings of things anticipated, meaning they’re still to come, and of events past, meaning you can no longer change what had occurred. These feelings come from our consciousness of things beyond the now and beyond our immediate scope of control. I tend to live in my headspace and think a lot. I overthink situations and conversations. Thus, the worrying. That, coupled with my need for control…yikes. There’s a wonderful solution to that, though.

So the thinking influences the feeling. The mind influences the heart. However, it doesn’t help if you tell someone not to worry. You’re not in their shoes. Some things are legitimately worrisome, others are extremely simple and worrying is unnecessary, but Christ doesn’t love us any less when we show worry. Big or small, it’s not any less real to us. Worrying seems to come off as a sin these days, as a somewhat un-Christian-like trait. But even the disciples worried. Churches prayed for their missionaries, but they expressed worry for their safety and well-being. We are broken and imperfect, so as much as we’d like to not worry, we do. Worrying is not really what we should be concerned about. It’s the lack of trust, having to face the unknown and uncertainty head on, facing the possibility of discomfort or loss. We should be looking at why we worry.

We learned a new word from the sermon yesterday: logizomai. It means to calculate, take into account, evaluate a person, thing, quality, event. It means to dwell on something, the discipline of thinking. This makes sense. When we just let anything invade our minds, let it be a pervasive, repetitive thought, we eventually internalize it so much that it affects everything else – how we act, what we say, how we feel. So Philippians 4 was such a lightbulb moment. Verses 4 to 9 state:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I needed that reminder. The Lord is near. He is never far. He’s sitting high in heaven, but He also lives in my heart. His Spirit is with me every day, interceding for me when I pray. Prayer is such an amazing medium to develop a focused perspective in the discipline of thinking. Another boom moment was the fact that we pray, not with the goal to have our prayers answered, but as a conversation with someone we have an ongoing relationship with. So we approach this conversation with a request, but not with the expectation that He will grant it, and we’re happy anyway, thankful that we get to talk to Him, our Father, our Friend. We are thankful because we are where we’re supposed to be right now. It’s all planned out. We may not know His plans for us just yet, but we are where we are because He is working in us through whatever circumstances we’re in. Jeremiah 29:11 should be clear enough. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Is that not assurance enough? Apparently not; at least, not all the time.

If you’re like any other person, our minds wander. They go to places we don’t want them to go to. But that’s what prayer is for and the discipline of thinking. We are even given suggestions on what to logizomai about. Not siomai/shaomai/shomai, as some of my friends have pointed out (you’re all just hungry!), but whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy. Think about those things. Dwell on them. When you find yourself stewing and sulking, just give yourself a moment, and come back. Pray, pray, pray. When do you pray, check out the next entry. Hahaha.

Verse 7 is the wonderful result: peace. Not just any feeling of peace, but a peace that guards our hearts and minds. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23). I know a girl who does just this. She guards her heart fiercely to remain in the Lord, but I also know she does not do it on her own. She has God’s peace. God’s peace is an amazing thing. With this peace, my total surrender to Him and faith in Him just becomes natural. I relinquish the need for control and acknowledge that He really does know better and I often only get hurt when I do things on my own without Him. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). This was beautifully tied together with the whole service on Sunday. Hearing the testimonies of those who have been redeemed was such a beautiful thing, and a great reminder of how God works in our lives, albeit differently, as is fitting for each of us. With God’s peace and grace, we logizomai on what is worth dwelling on. We are thankful for life, the technical aspects of it like being able to breathe properly, see, hear, have fully-functional limbs, regular bowel movements…as well as the not-so-tangible parts like social interactions and relationships, education, beliefs, byproducts of our consciousness in general. More than turduckens and cherpumples, we are thankful for God for being who He is and for giving us the capacity to enjoy what is given to us.

In the Meantime…

A little something while I take my time and write/edit a few entries. Life’s been pretty busy, which may or may not be a good thing depending on how you look at things. Here’s a poem…one of my favorites so far by a Filipina poet. Something that speaks to me, and maybe something to think about whenever you remember or can’t remember something or someone…

I can’t remember his name
but I recall the way he didn’t
forget things easily — what dress I wore
to class three days ago, phone numbers of rooms
for rent on bulletin boards, the crops
of local regions we’re made to memorize
in grade four. I never asked him
if he meant to keep these memories he had
no use for, and by choice or not, if he thought it a burden,
his power to remember
and remember well. After all, it meant too
that he always knew the right formulas to use
in exams, and if he forgot (which he never did),
he had all these other alternatives
in mind. I never did bother to wonder
if it was this same sharp memory that made
him know his losses well, from his missing pen
down to the girlfriend who left him, whom he spoke of
in few words but mentioned often.

As for me, I just long for the day when I need
not bluff my way out of a conversation
with — what’s his name? — an acquaintance
from college, perhaps, or a regular
in my favorite restaurant. If there’s one thing
I’m bound never to forget, it’s how it feels
to wonder, once I’m out of the house,
if I was able to turn all the lights off, or worry
that I didn’t unplug the iron. I’ve said hello
to actors down the street without being sure
who they are, certain only that their faces
seem familiar. It doesn’t even dawn on me
until much later that I’m acquainted
with their nonexistent selves, their characters
in movies I’ve seen, the titles of which,
well, I can’t seem to remember.

I think of the one who sat next
to me in Physics class, the one I envied so,
and I realize I might not even recognize
him if we see each other
now. I wonder who, between us,
is luckier: is it he, with all his recollections
and no way out
of his memory, or is it me, with my guilt
as I gaze at the past,
growing anonymous behind me?

“Memory,” Conchitina Cruz

Ohana

It was one of those one-liners that just stood out and made such a huge impact on everyone, non-Hawaiian and Hawaiian alike, who ever watched Lilo & Stitch. Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind. I checked Wikipedia, and it had an interesting definition and concept – family, in a wider sense of the term, includes not only kin by blood, but also through adoption and/or “intent”; emphasis is placed on these clusters of people being “bound together” and having to “cooperate and remember one another”.

Yes, lately it seems I’ve been posting commentaries/chapter reviews on Ken Shigematsu’s “God in My Everything”, but this is unintentional. Each chapter just seems to come at such an opportune time…almost like it’s God-ordained. Recently, I have been experiencing a few familial friction and conflict, not just within the family or even the extended family that I was born into, but also my adopted kin, my brothers and sisters in Christ. While some homes hold more problems and pain than others, we can’t deny the fact that living in such close quarters with people we didn’t choose, who we interact with the most, can be…hard. A monumental challenge. And that’s already an understatement. They just know what makes you tick. They rub you the wrong way, whether purposely or recklessly. My mom washes dishes while she cooks; that way, there’s less to wash after cooking or after the meal. I like sleeping with a particular throw pillow on top of a normal pillow so that my head’s a little more elevated. My brother lets the water run for a while to make sure that it’s really warm when he jumps into the shower. My dad needs something to munch on after meals, be it a chip, peanuts, some ice cream…If my dad leaves the kitchen messy thinking the dishes, pots, and pans can be washed after the meal, or if my mom steals my throw pillow, or if I take too long in the shower and use up all the warm water, or if my brother finishes the last remaining pack of trail mix, THERE WILL BE PROBLEMS. But these are little things. I can get over the fact that my dad replies only with a “K” after I text him a long message. I’m annoyed, but I’ll live. But throw in long days of work or school and then nights of restless sleep, plus unexpected unfortunate events…well, we kind of all set each other off. While having to deal with a barrage of problems both personal and familial, there are also issues with adopted brothers and sisters in Christ. We are all unique and so, even in church, we can’t avoid conflict. Instead of suppressing each other, we should celebrate our differences. In reading the chapter, there was a mention about Benedictine monks actually experiencing conflicts as well with roommates and that each occurrence is an opportunity to experience God, in our reactions, how we handle ourselves, how we show love to our brothers and sisters, how we remember that we’re all one body in Christ, each person made different to serve a very unique purpose. That’s why Saturday was such a wonderful day.

To be honest, I’ve been pretty drained at home. I needed to go out with friends, put some distance between myself and the people I call family, flesh and blood. Things have been getting overwhelming and I just needed time to myself. I was out early as Worship Central held its first meet-up at its 3 hubs in the Lower Mainland. It was a few hours of fellowship with worship leaders and friends and a time to worship the Lord as well. I was surprised at how emotional I got with “Set a Fire” and “Hosanna”. Set a fire down in my soul, that I can’t contain and I can’t control. I want more of You, God. I want more of You, God. Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your kingdom’s cause as I walk from earth into eternity. I’ve been hearing so many sermons lately about unity and peace in Christ. What most probably don’t know is that I’ve been contemplating jumping around to different churches for quite some time. I realize my need for God, but there were some things I didn’t want to or know how to deal with at my own church community. I’ve also been pretty drained. No matter how I prayed, it didn’t feel quite right when I led during the month of March. To put it plainly, it felt like I lost my mojo. Drained at home. Drained at church. Family of flesh, and family of Spirit. How fitting was it that fellowship with fellow leaders, who understood the challenges, who are so filled with a passion for Christ, would be just what I needed. They are still spiritual brothers and sisters, serving in different buildings, but just one family in Christ. I’d lost sight. My priorities shifted. Once I was made aware of that and re-centered my focus on Christ and my relationship with Him and my overflowing love and worship of Him, then it all fell back into the right place. The feeling of overwhelming thankfulness, peace, and joy even until today. The problems are not the main issue. The focus is on God. He will make a way. He is good. Nothing happens out of His control. And so as my new spiritual family set me straight and helped me to see what I needed to do about my own qualms about my own church community, a wonderful lunch, Steveston’s sights, sounds, and smells, as well as my favorite hot cup of coffee brought me to chapter 9, and eventually to dealing with my family of flesh.

Interesting concept Ken has about family making us holy. I highly recommend you reading the book. But yes, God can use family to refine us. Ken also mentioned families praying together, serving together, and taking in God’s word. I remember those times. I hadn’t realized how much my family’s dynamics changed through the years. We used to read the Bible every Friday night and pray together. I was small, but I remember. I vividly remember Joseph’s technicolor coat and Daniel’s lion’s huge mane. Makes me wonder what changed. But as I sat there in the coffee shop, thinking about my family, I felt blessed and thankful. Despite our issues and problems and the challenges in life that we face, we have family, whether blood or spirit. I’ve recently committed to improving my life bit by bit, little things here and there. Been making better food choices. Started going to the gym (although I must say, the level of soreness is sooooo not funny). Extend a little bit more patience and grace to people at home. Exploring and finding joy again in the ministries I’m involved in. Appreciate the sun or the rain and the clouds and the stars. Pray more regularly. My ohana may bring me grief at times, but they also bring me joy. Just the other day, my usually indifferent brother came up to me and asked how I was. He had overheard a conversation I had with our parents. I answered him truthfully. I’m better now, siots. We stick together. No one gets left behind.