2017: That’s So…Just the Other Day

I try to do one of these at least once a year and this is the perfect time to reflect. I also miss writing. Something different, though, from years past, is instead of focusing on my experiences and accomplishments, I’d like to use this platform to celebrate those who have been such an inspiration, those who have left a mark.

My best friends. Thank you for accepting me for who I am, baggage and all. I am far from perfect and this year was full of moments when I had to accept mistakes. Your patience in listening to my frustrations and your level-headedness in providing advice and emotional support really meant and means a lot. Various kinds of support came in forms of real talk/tough love/calling me out on faults, cups of coffee, 2 a.m. texts, 5 a.m. messages, prayers, car rides, quotes from the other side of the globe, pacifying my hysteria, accompanying me to classes and a gym, zombie paraphernalia, breakfast, lunch, dinner, ice cream, bingsoo, bubble tea, and the list goes on for other consummables…which is kind of embarrassing at this point. Thank you for not being sick of me. Thank you for another year of letting me share my insanity with you. Your strength, wisdom, kindness, and love abound beyond what I deserve and you are definitely blessings in my life…and likely to countless others.

To my guy friends. It brings me so much joy (and worry, sometimes, but mostly a sense of appreciation) to witness your journeys and your growth. Careers taking off. Relationships maturing. Compassion expanding. As many women come forward with stories of sexual harassment and assault, and as single women continue to lament the seemingly short supply of “good men out there”, you are the ones who remind me that men who disrespect and even violate women are never and should never be the norm. Good and Godly men do exist and I don’t believe they’re a dying breed. You are capable of strong, focused leadership, as much as you are capable of kindness, punny dad jokes, and all other squishy, endearing traits.

My mentors to whom I have THE UTMOST respect. You probably won’t get to read this but this is still important for me to put out there. Thank you for your valuable wisdom and guidance. The struggle was real this year as I grappled with countless changes, accepted multiple mistakes as inevitable and just a part of the steep learning curve, and adjusted to the fact that I don’t know all that much about a lot of things. It was hard to accept the fact that I made mistakes. It was hard not to be in control. Whatever my failings, you allowed me the space to commit them and to learn from them. Thank you for the various ways you encourage me to step out of my comfort zones, embolden me to speak up, and just building an overall sense of trust and inclusivity. People always say learning never stops. Whenever I hear that, I envision the daunting task of further schooling. And further expenses. But there are various means of education and you’ve shown me that this is not a daunting chore. It has become a lifestyle – to be able to fuel a healthy, self-motivated curiosity.

Praise team. The band. Cherubim Choir. You get special shout-outs. We have been through…more ups and downs than I can recall. I have my Mary moments as well as my Martha moments, and while my Martha moments bring me exasperation sometimes at feeling burnt out or having problems with time management or just general things (eg. printer, photocopier, computer, etc.) not working as they should, at the end of the day, being able to serve together makes it worth it and being able to serve God specifically, makes it even sweeter. Admittedly, I have this constant, dull ache in my heart when I think back to the individuals I have served with in the past as life has taken us to very different directions. I miss that bunch…but I also see new faces today, beside me, who I have come to know well and have become good comrades with in mutual service, each with their own brand of passion and approach in addressing our common faith. You guys are awesome.

God and family are a given constant this past year and so I’ll keep it short – They have been amazing, and they know the many reasons why. I am grateful beyond words.

This is not to say 2017 was all great. It definitely came with its fair share of griefs, heartbreaks, and soul-sucking moments…but it was an interesting ride. Many firsts. Many people I would never have gotten to meet, talk to, become really great friends with, had God not put me on this path. Oh, and another shocker – for the first time ever, music is no longer my only passion, and that is apparently okay. God leads us to different journeys at various points and seasons in our lives and I’m learning that mine is leaning towards a more concrete form of social justice. I still love singing and I’m probably never quitting the praise team or choir, but that’s not my only “thing” anymore.

So despite all the bummers and the tears, despite the migraines and the disappointments, I am thankful for His guidance on this slightly turbulent section of the seas. Things are fascinating. No storms, just persistent waves. I’d take a dry and constantly bobbing boat over raging, boat-flipping typhoons any day.

Hello 2018.

WCC Keynote #2: Wisdom for the Wild

Disclaimer: While this is catered more towards worship leading, a lot of points are still relatable and you get a snapshot of what goes on behind preparations for worship.

Mark Counihan began his keynote session Saturday morning with an anecdote about his dad. His dad, despite his age, has been actively exploring and hiking the world. When people hear of his travels, they want to know which mountain he was planning to conquer next…as if mountains can be conquered. All you do is climb on top of it and stick a flag on top. You don’t swallow the mountain or blow it to bits. It’s not a pet that can be “tamed” or “trained”. How is it conquered? It can’t be. Similarly, we are not conquests. We have our own wills. We are all different, and purposely created so. God did not create robots, mindlessly following Him, all with the same hair, same build, and same face.

We were also made to worship. From a quiet, deep contemplation to a loud, unrestrained shout, how we worship God may also manifest differently from person to person because we are all different. However our worship takes form, we look to the Scriptures because it is truth. God’s Word is true. So we delve into Proverbs to reflect on the wisdom God’s Word provides us, things to be mindful of when we aim to freely worship and please Him, and as we also lead others in worshipping Him. We have 4 main pitfalls to consider:

1. I. I. I. I. I. The I problem.

“Do not exalt yourself in the king’s presence, and do not claim a place among his great men…” (Proverbs 25:6).

There was once an event being held out in the open. The main attraction was a fireworks display at the end of the event. However, it is to be noted that this region often has storms and lightning occurrences. While the people were admiring the huge, colorful, and elaborate fireworks in the sky, a storm started brewing. Pretty soon, the lightning in the sky was proving to be a show in itself as the people admired the lights and the huge, intricate patterns it made. The awesome fireworks paled in comparison to the natural, ethereal beauty of those lightning strikes.

Similarly, we are so often caught up in putting on a show when leading worship that it becomes a matter of how I put on the production just right – my own efforts with the lights, songs, instrumentation, staging chosen. We become so focused on entertaining/being entertained. “This worship service needs to be less boring for ME. I’m gonna make this happen.” Or even if we have the sincerest of intentions, such as feeding ourselves spiritually…”The songs should be catered to ME, who God is to ME, what God is doing in MY life.” I. I. I. We become so focused on fireworks and the artificial that we forget the wonders of natural lightning. In our self-focus, what room does God have in our lives? Did we leave any space for God to work in? Do we really even want God to work in, through, and amidst us?

Can you envision how awkward it is, not to mention how embarrassing and impolite it is (to say the least), if you were facing a king (or in this case The King) being so pleased with yourself and boasting of your efforts and accomplishments, when in truth, it amounts to nothing really significant? Mark recalled a time when he wrote a song, just as a hobby, something to pass the time. The recording was also simple, just his vocals and his guitar. Pretty soon, he noticed that it was climbing the iTunes charts and eventually reached #1 in the African region. His ego was steadily inflating. An internal struggle commenced. “My song is doing pretty good. If this is what happens when I make songs for fun, imagine what I can achieve if I put more effort and resources into it! Should I share this with my Twitter followers? Yeah, I think I will!” He took a screenshot of his song being on top of the African iTunes charts. Well, guess what? The moment he posted it on Twitter, his song was bumped into second place by Jad Gillies’/Hillsong’s newest tune…to which Jad heavily chuckled to in the audience. Humbling moment, ain’t it?

I would liken it to lollipop (big head) moments like this: “See God, I made the perfect set list! Did you see that lady crying the entire worship time? No need to thank me for opening her up to be more receptive to the Holy Spirit. I’m just that awesome and skilled! I bet I’m better than Darlene Zschech! Right?” Whatever the scenario, it doesn’t end well.

“Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the Lord, and humility comes before honor” (Proverbs 15:33).

It’s only this year that I’ve started being intentional in asking God for wisdom whenever I pray. You’d think it’s enough to do devotions and read His Word, and yes, you draw wisdom from that, but reading something and internalizing it is very different from actual application. The bridge from stock knowledge into everyday practice is that attitude of fearing the Lord. We have to answer to Him, whether it’s leading worship or just in our normal everyday walk. And so this also helps with humility. In answering to Him, we acknowledge the hierarchy of God being above us.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I’ve been open about my previous struggle to be humble. Another example of this would be that I was so defensive in my early days leading worship, whenever someone would come to me with a critique of the worship time. It was my baby. Eventually, after a workshop with Ben Fielding of Hillsong and hearing him speak of partnership and stewardship, it just opened up this whole new perspective for me, which I hold to this day. It’s helped me to welcome feedback and value it, rather than dread it. I’ve learned that critique isn’t to be taken personally, because the focus is God and ministering to others. Feedback is beneficial to improve and be effective in my role in guiding people to that safe space of worship. Stewardship of my talents involves placing myself in as high a standard as, say, a pastor, especially with song choices and accurate theology. I could never do that without humility, and let me tell you – more than honor, I’ve been blessed with so much peace and joy in this ministry because of it.

2.  Integrity

“The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but people are tested by their praise” (Proverbs 27:21).

My mom always makes fun of me and about how she doesn’t trust my taste in food. Everything seems to be delicious to me. What can I say? I’m a simple girl who appreciates the little things. What’s my point? My praise for a certain restaurant or food reflects who I am. My taste buds are easily pleased. Similarly, a lot can be deduced from how a person praises or worships. I’m not just talking about the outward appearance, but the inner conditions as well. Is your heart right there, present in the now? What are the themes that you gravitate towards? How is God moving you at this particular moment/season of your life? Do you sing/play your musical instrument with abandon or with much reservation? You know for yourself, and God knows as well, how genuine you are being. Psalm 78 has a nice little ditty about integrity of heart. So what can we do to uphold integrity?

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).

Your heart holds your desires and motives. Everything you do is an outpouring of this. There shouldn’t be a gap between what you sing/play and how you live. You can’t compartmentalize worship to Sundays only. You are you, no matter what day of the week it is. This next passage is also closely related to humility. Be humble enough not to exalt yourself, but also be genuine enough to receive praise because it reflects the wonders and glory of how God is working in you. After all, your talents are from Him.

“Let someone else praise you, and not your own mouth; an outsider, and not your own lips” (Proverbs 27:2).

“The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern” (Proverbs 29:7).

What’s a better gauge of integrity than love in action. Where is love in apathy? I believe it’s in Ephesians 4 where we are called to live a life worthy of the calling we have received. This further reminds me of James 1:27, where we see that what is regarded as pure and faultless religion is looking after widows and orphans in distress. Compassion, my friends, extends beyond the music.

3. Isolation

Some people might not understand this, but this is all too familiar to me. Mark mentioned the isolation we intentionally choose. We choose to fly solo. It’s easier than you think. Somehow, it’s easier to talk to a crowd on Sunday, imparting God’s words, than one on one after service where you actually have to have an exchange/conversation with people that go beyond just theology. I gravitate towards isolation and credit it to shyness. Sometimes, we just find it difficult to enter community. Sometimes, it’s just more comfortable to stick to our little pockets of acquaintances, our few friends, or even to just duck out right after service. This should not continue.

Jad Gillies also made a very good point (on a separate panel later that day) in saying, “We don’t need more Christian rock stars, but sometimes, we just need leaders. People sometimes just don’t know how to get from the place of being bound and broken to a place of surrender and faith and worship and response.” We have a specific purpose. It helps to invest in something local: a local/home church and the community it holds. Christy Nockels, Chris Tomlin, Paul Baloche, Hillsong, and all these other Christian artists, at the end of their touring and their travelling, all have a home church they return to to minister and serve in. You have to be present in your congregation…each part is the Church. The next generation is going to have to come from here. And besides, how will you lead when you’re so far removed from the realities of the congregation? Which brings us to…

“Those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasies have no sense” (Proverbs 12:11).

“Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice…As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:9, 17).

We have all these ideas and perceptions of how things are when, in reality, things are very different. We struggle to take advice. We were raised in a society that values autonomy, independence. We are problem-solvers. We can do this on our own! Right? Wrong! One person sharpens another and true friends build each other up, even if it means dishing out tough love. This is why feedback is so important and why I’m so thankful my eyes were opened to its value. Feedback in this context of worship and leading is essential to be effective and to continue learning and growing in faith, knowledge, and style/creativity.

On the flip side, Jad also mentioned that opinion is valuable, yes, but if you’re swayed just by opinion, you miss the mark. You’re there to worship God, not to just follow a few people’s preferences. If you try to please everyone, you become reactive/reactionary instead of imparting influence/effect. So just always remember that you’re serving God. That focus should provide you with a balance between constructive feedback and clear vision/direction.

4. Ignorance

We’re no longer talking about ignorance of the needs and journeys of the congregation. We’re talking about the technical stuff. Do we ever stop to think, “What are we singing/playing?”

“The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps” (Proverbs 14:15).

We have to sift and weigh every single word in each song that we sing/play. In the few workshops I’ve been to that talk about the technical and spiritual aspects of how you string lyrics and melodies together, this tension is a constant struggle in songwriting. Correct theology is a priority, sometimes at the cost of a brilliant melodic resolution or dropping a word that flows well in speech and image portrayal. Flow and alliterations and rhyme schemes should always be secondary because in writing worship songs, you’re not just writing songs. These are songs with the primary purpose of praise and worship. I say “should”, but this isn’t always the case. There are, unfortunately, countless stories about famous Christian musicians and worship leaders and pastors with theology so off the mark, but still leading their congregations in those ideologies. They don’t just believe in something false, but they’re also causing people to stumble. It’s a scary thought to be lifting heretical offerings to God.

So when you hear a moving, melodic swell, or a killer guitar rift, or an extremely danceable, driving beat, or a really awesome wordplay, pause and assess. Read God’s Word regularly, know your stuff. I try my hardest at this when putting together set lists. First question is always, “Is this theologically sound?” Second is, then, “Does the song tie well with the message” or “Can the congregation respond to, with, and through this song”, and then, further, “Do the songs flow well in terms of thought and key transitions”, and so on. For those who don’t understand why I take so long in announcing sets, this is why. Now you know. Haha.

Let’s go back to our roots – Why are we singing/playing/worshipping? Well, the simple answer is because we were made to worship and glorify God. When God inhabits the praises of the people, as when His Spirit moves in our minds and our hearts, something happens. It changes our expectancy for Sundays. We don’t expect mediocre, and we certainly shouldn’t. We aim to always encounter God in that space of total surrender, whatever condition we’re in, however this manifests itself. We need to understand the bigger picture, focus on God’s mission and not on just our respective roles. God is not limited by our capabilities. He uses us even in impossible circumstances and He certainly gives us all the tools we need to do His work.

Reflecting on Proverbs is all well and good, but Mark points us to a growing concern he had as he was going through the book – its background. It was written by the wisest man ever, Solomon, but he messed things up too. Even the greatest wisdom wasn’t able to keep him on the straight and narrow. It’s a good reminder that we can have all the wisdom in the world, all the tips from all the experts on how to worship and how to lead worship, all the resources to improve our gifts, but we still need that one thing – a genuine growing relationship with God. We need that intimacy in our lives to keep on the path, and Solomon needed it too. Luke 10:1-24 shows us an interesting perspective if we were to liken ourselves to the 72 that Jesus sent out ahead of Him. The harvest is plenty. What are we doing with it?

“Peace to this house.” Peace be with you.

WCC Keynote #1: Live and Lead like You are Loved

Even weeks after, I’m still trying to digest everything that happened and everything that was shared and exchanged over the two days of the worship conference. It was such an amazing experience to be a part of.

Christy Nockels began her keynote session Friday night by sharing that the older she gets, the more she notices God giving her new affections, as if God was dropping more and more of His heart into hers. Fresh from an emotional worship time, my tiredness from the vexing workday and journey from the weeks past seemed to have been washed away with the tears that came unexpectedly. These were tears of guilt for the times I didn’t treat God as the priority; tears from being overwhelmed at the realization of His grace and how He can love someone like me; tears of surrender. So much has changed, and it was finally time for my heart to catch up to where my head was at. I was sitting by myself in pews full of people with their worship teams, but my previous sadness at being on my own was replaced with God’s peace, purpose, and a fresh look at the situation. That, and relief that no one I knew saw me bawling. Lol. I understood what she meant.

I understood what she meant because the older I got, the more I understood life and people and found vision in ministries and passions. What was inconsequential and boring before, holds so much meaning now. The obvious example would be that when I was younger, what mattered most to me was worshipping God, being able to sing to Him. What “mattered” quickly became using MY gift for God, service in the ministry. As years passed, the focus became a desire to assist in leading people into a place of worship and honing my craft. Then, it was getting people to use their gifts as well. From the role of being led to leading, it became apparent even more that it was and is important to foster my relationship with God and getting to know Him more and what He wants, rather than my own aspirations for people. I’ve learned to have more faith in God working, than my own perception of control. I plan, but it’s okay if it’s not followed to the T. Now, I’m motivated to ensure others grow, and hopefully as a result, they’d also get from the being led stage to the leading stage. I did not feel so deeply about this before, but God seems to be, as she said, planting new affections.

Getting older is awesome. You notice things or are able to have a more holistic view of things, and you’re able to respond in a way you wouldn’t have before, because your hang-ups then are no longer an issue now. She had one such epiphany, sitting at her farm table one day. She had just given up touring because she was just tired all the time and the tour bus is no place to raise children. Add to that the fact that one night, she found peace in cleaning the toilet after her toddler decided to aim poorly. Her children were starting to grow up and God had been repeatedly telling her to go home. So there she was, at her farm table, asking God if this was crazy. What He showed her was that there is a promise and a purpose and a way, and it’s not necessarily how we envision or expect things to play out. All she desired was for the Kingdom to come to earth through her life. Colossians 3:12 came to her…

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

There is a created order. Facts or reasons are established first, then the command. Our gospel identity is that we are God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved through our adoption by faith. In knowing our identity, then, we clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, etc. These traits are what people-we-encounter-everyday will see. People who don’t have an idea of who God is will see a glimpse of Him, His Kingdom, through us, if we are grounded in Him, in truth. In knowing our identity, we know the Kingdom is our inheritance. The Kingdom is a renewing of all things, and we all anticipate that day. But for now, we are works in progress; broken, broken people. God refines us at every moment, in our imperfections.

Through the years, the image of concentric circles kept popping up: the vision of a target/bull’s-eye. God was constantly reassuring her to focus on the center. “Just hit the bull’s-eye, and I’ll take care of the outer circles. It is not for you to promote yourself and to keep yourself on the map…but it’s for My glory.” And so she opened her Bible to the middle, one of her favorite verses – Psalm 37:5-6.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.

Just the bull’s-eye in the middle. That’s all you need to take care of. You have one job. Lol. What does she mean? There are three things to consider. Think of each point as a ring that makes up the bull’s-eye, starting from the center.

One: Who you are. You are beloved. BEloved. He is “The Great I Am”. He Who Is, Who Be’s. We are “The Great I Am”-loved. We are God-loved. This should permeate how we come to Him every day, through remembrance of Who He is and what He’s done. Admittedly, there are days when I’m just drained. You know those days when Murphy’s Law explodes in your face or you just had a horrible bout of insomnia the previous night or you’re deathly ill or someone somewhere “needs” you. After chronic sub-optimal days like these, it’s hard to feel loved and to be grateful for that love, when all you want to do is cry, complain, eat, sleep, or even just sit in silence doing absolutely nothing. But days like these change. For every 100 horrible days, there’s bound to be 1 day that’s so-so at the very least. Our ever-changing circumstances don’t change the constant truth of our identity and that we are God-loved. When we get laid-off, we are beloved. When we get paid for a passion project, we are still beloved.

I’m thankful that Christy pointed out that His love and His covenant is not equal, but greater than our commitment to Him. We fail. We are imperfect. We sometimes ride the waves that toss us about. We doubt. We waver. Our efforts at “commitment” don’t really measure up to much. But His love and His covenant…can we grasp the concept of never EVER failing? Perfect. Sure. Steadfast. That is the God who loves us. He is our rest and our place to hide. I draw comfort from the fact that even in my failings, I can confide in that God; that I see I’m not going to get there (the goal/the ideal) today, but He has already gotten there for me. “Lord, I aim to be as humble as You today, but I realize I’m still hanging on to a bit of pride. Thank You for doing the ultimate humbling act on the cross, which gives me hope that I can let go of my pride and do better tomorrow.”

Two: The how. When you know who you are and Who loves you/Who you can count on, obedience becomes a response of being beloved rather than a means of approval. I don’t stay up ’til 2am waiting for someone to come home because I need them to like me. I’d rather sleep (and be a professional burrito haha). However, I do stay up because they’re family. I love them and they love me. It’s as simple as that. No strings attached. We don’t obey and follow God’s laws and do all these random acts of kindness because we need God to love us. We are already loved…and so we do this because we know He is pleased to see this and we genuinely just want to bring Him more joy.

As we obey and we grow, our refinement becomes our language of discipleship. Our experiences become the tools by which we pour into people, with the help of the Holy Spirit. Oh…take Philippians 2 for example. We know this, but it’s just such a struggle sometimes to be humble. Verses 3 to 5 get me every time as I examine myself and find that I’ve failed in that aspect so many times, but can now see progress as I veer away from pride. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus…”

As mentioned in the previous post, there’s been a burden in my heart this past year or so, and was amplified on a trip to Portland, to help develop the next generation and raise Timothys. It brought me so much joy to just sit back one weeknight during worship practice and observe the younger folks leading worship. This was something new since, as mentioned, I used to be so enthusiastic about being able to lead worship. It was about me using my gifts. Now, with God’s constant pruning, I realize the importance of humility and remember the focus of worship is God. Seeing these kids…so much potential, so much we can do! It was an aha moment of mind-blowing proportions seeing where God is leading, realizing that I’m doing this with God as a teammate, and the comfort in knowing that I’m in good hands. There’s a peace to knowing you’re fulfilling His will, your purpose. As Christy said, “He raised you up to raise others up.” And so I continue to pour myself into other people because, well, I surprisingly (or not surprisingly) find joy in God’s joy.

Three: The what. Our response ability changes as we grow and mature in Christ. You’ll see it. You won’t be able to help it. You’ll feel the NEED to take others with you in responding to God. “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Eph. 2:10)” There’s plenty of work to be done. Along the way, there will be plenty of people that we’ll meet. If we’re coming from a secure place, knowing who we are with God at the center, it will pour out into how we live our lives and relate to others, and it will further spill over into what we actually do as a manifestation of everything God is. When you’re running around on outer rings, it just leaves you exhausted, tired. When you’re stuck on the outer rings, it just leaves you frustrated. Believe me, I know. I was caught up in the outer rings for the longest time. When you’re too focused on the how, or even the what, you miss the point. God is at the center of it all and really, you only have to focus on the center. The rest is God’s. He’ll take care of the details.

Christy’s work with the women of her home church produced valuable relationships and spiritual support that have already spanned decades. Her work with her producer husband on the rug of their humble home contributed to the Passion band and the Passion conferences that have made an impact on so many generations of youth through the years. She got to meet and work with musicians with a similar call and vision such as Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and Kristian Stanfill. They’ve created a community of encouragement and purpose, so much so, that years after Christy decided to stop touring and focus on her family, that bond had never changed. The Dove Awards is a sort of platform of recognition created by the Gospel Music Association. There was a spot during the awards that showcased a song that made a huge impact that year. Chris Tomlin was there. Michael W. Smith was there. The heavyweights of Christian music. While droves of talent managers were vying for a place for their talent to be involved in that number, the producers called Christy up. They remember her work. Christy, who has been out of the spotlight for years, happily content in being a good wife and mom, suddenly asked to participate in such a huge platform. She got to be amongst friends doing what she loved, without unnecessarily exhausting herself. She doesn’t have to bother with the outer rings, and neither should we. God takes care of the details.